Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Genius idea!!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?