WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
RT if you could go either way.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?