Friday
You Might Also Like
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda