Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice