Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
White Castle for the Win
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”