My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
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If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Real House Wines.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business