my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.