Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
twitter is a journey
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I want to meet the individual who made this
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭