*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
You Might Also Like
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.