When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it