[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.