That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I’m good, thanks.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making