New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
You Might Also Like
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
They must have gotten it to go.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
This is a sub tweet
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.