Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
my mind
You just read my mind
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU