Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
According to math, I’m broke
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*