Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
went fishing caught a bass
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
are they though??
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.