#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Good news
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean