Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I bet birds love this building.