It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
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COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.