Come back after dark. Bring your friends
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[guy who鈥檚 about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who鈥檚 putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU鈥橰E GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Simply Red鈥檚 piano player just couldn鈥檛 be arsed
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.