meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.