I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
did it work
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence