#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.