If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
live long and prosper!
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.