*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
We’ve all been there
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
A tragic love story in two pictures.