“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
You Might Also Like
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
crying
Van Gone
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?