Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
You Might Also Like
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
How I like cutting carbs
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.