therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….