I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The smoothest fall of all time
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*