OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
The happy life.. 😊
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
OMG 🤣🤣
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.