I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony