Now, where’s the sport in that?
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My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it