This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.