Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.