I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Genius idea!!
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time