Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
You Might Also Like
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?