(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs