The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.