Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Confused owl: What?!
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂