It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”