Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*