*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
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From Facebook just now…
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*