I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.