[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Holy crap this is wonderful
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.