Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.