The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?