Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.