If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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Awesome parenting 😂
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right