God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You Might Also Like
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!