Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*frowns in Scottish*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.